Sunday, July 29, 2007

And Now For Something A Little More Exciting

So apparently some people think I'm not very exciting in my blog, but am a little less boring in person. (This has kind of been an ongoing joke lately.) After much discussion with the girls, I realized this was indeed true. For those who have known me for a while, I am a fairly private person, and it takes some serious determination on my part to "share." I know, so silly, since as a social worker I ask people to share with me all day long. (Of course, work is different. Besides, I'm totally comfortable with other people sharing!)

For as long as I can remember, I wanted to hide the real me from everyone. I was terrified that if I shared who I really was, people wouldn't like me. I thought I was so different, and isolated myself to the point of feeling very alone. This was all definitely generated by a low self-esteem and a long history of depression. I have been in treatment, on meds, and worked with therapists a gazillion times. However, this year has been my turn around point. I finally asked a friend at work if I could have the name of her therapist. I took a huge step that day. My first day to share a little piece of what was going on inside of me. Asking that question and then choosing to work hard with that therapist has forever changed my life.

One of the biggest changes I've worked on and been the most proud of has been my decision to make friends. Real friends. Not just keeping up with acquaintances, but actually talking with people about my life and their lives and letting people in what I had always thought was my isolated, dark, and depressing world. As it turns out, I have similarities with all kinds of people, and I am totally loving getting to know everyone! I started with the girls at work, sharing small things about myself in small increments. Then I branched out into the knitting world, and am making some awesome friends with some fantastic people, both online and in person. I am still so stunned that I actually have plans to go out with people, and that I really look forward to going out, rather than being scared to death to leave my little apartment. I finally feel like a worthwhile human being!

So, here's where all the irony comes in. I went to a new SnB Sunday after work, saw some great people, and had a great time. Life was fine. Went to bed that night, woke up around midnight, and felt physically terrible. I had pain (which I had thought was heartburn) but it was so bad that I eventually got sick to my stomach and just cried. I didn't sleep at all the rest of the night. The next morning I called in sick to work and talked with my doctor. I just started seeing her a few months ago. She had me tested and was treating me for acid reflux, and we were both thinking this was just a nasty flare up. So she increased my meds, and that was that. Tuesday, I still felt awful, and the pain was not going away. So I missed work again (which I absolutely hate to do - honestly - I hate calling in sick.) I finally reached my breaking point Tuesday night around 9:30, and I just knew something was really wrong. I called the doctor, and she sent me to the ER. I eventually got admitted, and had a bunch of tests run. Turns out, I had 6 gallstones in my gall bladder and 1 stone stuck in my bile duct on the way to my pancreas. That was what was causing the excruciating pain. So, I am now minus 7 gallstones and 1 gall bladder! First ever surgery and first ever stay in the hospital (just got discharged yesterday.) I actually was admitted onto my own floor at the hospital! The staff was great, and I had a bunch of people stopping in to say hi. Unfortunately, for a while I was too sick to really appreciate it. Man, I have never been that sick before in my life - AWFUL!

So, now I am recuperating. Mandatory time off work (oh darn.) The only thing is, I'm not allowed to drive for a whole week. This sucks when you are a single person. Especially a single person who finally enjoys doing things with friends! (See the irony there?!) But this is all ok. First, I will have tons of time to knit and read and blog, which I am always wanting to do. Second, the doctor seems to think these stones have been a problem for years, but had obviously never been diagnosed. She says once I get past the surgery recovery, I should feel better than ever. Looking forward to it!

So anyway, to all of you I have been getting to know and hanging out with, I will be back, just as soon as I can drive! So, do you think this post was a little more exciting?

15 comments:

Annie said...

Gah! What a story! I really thought you were going to say that you were having a physical reaction to making friends... ***grin*** so, in a way, I'm glad it was something that is curable. Here's to feeling better soon!

Kara said...

I was wondering where you were this week! Glad to hear you're on the mend and we'll see you once you can drive again!

(Let me know if you get bored - I have a ton of free time right now, so I can bring my knitting and visit or take you to lunch. :D)

Wannabe said...

OMG! How scary! I'm glad you are okay!

yarnsnob said...

was wondering what happened to you, hope you're feeling better :) take plenty of rest and do lots of knitting :)

Amanda said...

Good grief!! Seven gallstones! I'm glad that you have had that taken care of and are on the mend now. Being in pain is no fun. And I thought that I should let you know that your post was indeed very exciting. ;)

kim4life said...

I know the feeling. I had my galbadder out too. The pain is worse then having a baby. Feel better. See when you can make it to knit nite.

nicole said...

Good lord, that sounds awful. I'm glad to hear that you're okay. We definitely missed you on Sunday! Please come back when you can! And I'm happy to hear that I'm not the only one who has trouble opening up and making friends. It's kind of scary to show people who you really are. I'm lucky that I felt comfortable enough with all the knitters to do so... eventually.

Shannon said...

How horrible! I hope you have a speedy recovery. I know I've met you a grand total of 2x, but if you need someone to pick something up or need a ride anywhere, I can be around. I hope this doesn't deter you from Sunday knitting, we're not THAT contagious... mostly.

Shoes said...

I told you August is your month...you're early!!
I've really enjoyed getting to know you... I've clicked with you like I did with kara and well we've been doing great for two years now :) although I'm always bummed when you don't come to knitting. Even though I'm sure Chris is happy cause when you're around I become a squealing girl...instead of the crude knitting gal...
Seriously before these knit groups i used to be wayyyyy quieter...
If you aren't afraid of these freaks we'd be happy to bring you dinner, knitting, starbucks this week, any day...

Sourire11 said...

How scary!!! I hope you are feeling much, much better now!

That's a 7-letter Deborah, never a Deb said...

omg! I'm so glad you got it cleared up & are feeling better. Let me know if you need a ride to knit night.

Nora said...

Oh, darling, I've never thought of you as boring - not after I saw that sock stash! :)

I'm glad you've finally been treated and know that you'll be feeling better in no time! x

Romi said...

Holy carp, Kathy! Ack! I'm so glad that's over with for you. Feel better soon!

btw, you rock. :)

Sarah said...

HOW on earth did I miss this post????? After our chat last night I had to go and find it. Good for you for taking positive steps - you have so much to offer and you are such a pumpkin!

: )

Karen said...

I've visited your blog a few times, but not for awhile.
I had no idea about the gallstones! Where have I been? Good to hear you're doing better now.
I'm also happy you've started coming to Starbucks on Sundays. I can relate to your comments about making friends. It took me awhile after moving back to St. Louis. I finally feel like I'm in a good place in my social life. Girlfriends are so important, and it takes a lot of effort and time to find good ones! Definitely worth it though! :)