Dear Diary

So I've decided to change things up a bit here. I'll continue to blog about knitting and crafty stuff, I promise. But I'm also going to use this as a space to write about my Bipolar Disorder (BPD) as well. I really need a place to put some things down, and so why not share it with the Internet universe? Of course I will not take it personally if you skim right through the "Dear Diary" posts and go to the knitting pictures...

As some of you may know, I have been in a partial hospitalization program for the last 3 weeks. I had apparently been going downhill for a while, but pretty much refused to see it for what it was. I am one of those people who tries to ignore the problem, sometimes to the point of pretending it doesn't even exist. I am learning in my program that ignorance is not bliss when it comes to BPD. I had been missing work on a fairly regular basis (yes, at my new job,) and yet I kept thinking I was just being lazy or skipping simply because "I felt like it," rather than the real reason, which was "I couldn't get out of bed."

I know I have BPD, and have actually had the diagnosis for quite a few years. I've even been in and out of hospitals and treatment programs a few times. After each one, I'd feel better and rush back into life, totally ignoring what I needed to do to keep up with my disorder on a day to day basis. Let me state the obvious: it doesn't work that way.

Now I am in a program once more. It's actually a program I was in a few years ago, and I honestly learned so much about myself last time that I figured, sure, why not try it again? The difference now is that my primary focus is to accept that I have BPD. Acceptance is the key to managing my illness. Up to this point, I didn't accept it. I didn't want it. In fact, I hated it. So I chose to shove it as far down in me as possible so I wouldn't have to think about it every day. Interestingly enough, it came up with such force that it knocked me down. I literally reached a point where I could not function any more. Thank god for good friends who are understanding and supportive, who were willing to sit with me on the phone, in the ER, and at the evaluation for the program. I am so lucky to have such great people in my life.

My meds had been changed 4 times since I started the program, and my moods have been all over the place. I think it is getting better, but since I've been sick for so long, it's difficult to know what better should really feel like. I'm still having moments of depression, and struggling through simple things. I'm also still experiencing some mania, like I have this weekend. I honestly could not sleep last night without taking a pill to relax. I feel anxious and on over-drive tonight. I was wondering on Friday, when I first felt the mania setting in, if it really was mania. (Sometimes I question if I can really tell the difference between happy and manic.) I even thought to myself that if it became uncomfortable by Sunday, I would know it was true mania. And now here I am, uncomfortable. I have this urge to do a million things, especially to be creative. So here I am, typing feverishly. I just casted on a new knitting project. I'm ready to pull out all of my beads and make jewelry. I want to learn to weave. And I have so many ideas for holiday presents for my friends that I want to work on. It's 11:15 at night people! I need to be going to bed. And yet I can't seem to calm down. So I thought I'd write to you all...