Friday, September 21, 2007

Change Is In the Air

I haven't blogged in a while. As Travis would say, I'm stating the obvious. I love to do that. But I feel like I just need to get it out there, you know? Honestly, I have been fairly blue the last couple of weeks, and I've been using all of my energy to fight off my SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder, or "depression that hits me when Fall starts.") We had a week or so here that was actually a little chilly, and although I absolutely love Fall, my chemicals seem to feel otherwise. This pretty much happens every year, around the same time, and I have had a couple of days when I really wanted to give up, and just collapse into the depression. But, I'm not going to allow that to happen. I feel more prepared than ever this year to fend it off, and have been taking the appropriate steps in my action plan to stay well. I know this all sounds a little weird, but it works, believe me, and I have to do what works.

One huge step I took today was that I resigned from my job as a social worker at the hospital. I know that work has been playing a huge part in affecting my mood. Things just weren't getting any easier; they were getting harder and more stressful, and I felt like I had no support from either my supervisor or my boss. I really believe you can only push yourself so far before you break. I am not willing to break, as I have in the past. I do not want to allow myself to stay in a situation that eventually leads to me crying on the floor in my apartment without being able to pick myself up. My job helps me live my life, but it does not have to become it. And I've been on the floor in my apartment crying before. I remember what it feels like. I remember how painful it is to get out of bed, to take a shower, or to make myself eat a meal. I am not willing to go there again, and I think leaving my job will help to prevent it. This is me taking the steps to stay healthy!

Now for a little bit of panic (naturally.) I don't actually know what I want to do with my life at this point. Maybe I need a break from social work; I've been doing it for 11 years. It definitely wears on sometimes. However, I love what I do. (Yes, this is me talking out of both sides of my head. I tend to do that, too.) So, I've been searching online and applying for various jobs, some social work related, some not. Ironically, I called Cindy (my sister) yesterday to tell her I was leaving my job, and as it turns out, she needs a two year old teacher at her day care. She asked if I could start Monday! How fantastic is that?! No, it's not going to pay anywhere close to what I was making at the hospital. But it is a job, which means money coming in, and I am so thankful. Was that divine intervention or what?!

I have also been destashing over the last few weeks. I am feeling a need to clean out my home, my life. I hate to admit it, but sometimes I have a problem with being materialistic. I have a tendency to shop when I feel down, in an attempt to make myself feel better. (This is actually a symptom of Bipolar Disorder that many people experience. Lucky me, huh?) I am making a serious effort to stop shopping and stashing. Of course, I went through my yarn first, and have sold a fairly large amount of it on EBay and Ravelry. This will obviously help a lot right now with paying my bills. I also cleaned out my closet, and have two bags for Goodwill. I offered my clothes that are too small to Mindy. Tonight, I scrubbed down my kitchen. It really feels good to cleanse my life.

I just have to keep reminding myself that all this change is good. My friend Lynn from work gave me a beautiful card today, and in it she put this quote:

"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength."

Yes, it is.

9 comments:

Nora said...

I'm so proud of you Kathy! Sending you my love and good wishes. x

Sarah said...

WOW. Good for you. Wow.

: )

Wannabe said...

While reading this my head was nodding constantly. You wrote what I feel so many, many days. Good for you for making a healthy step for your emotional state. I wish you well. Much love.

Romi said...

I imagine social work would be very *very* depressing.Good for you for taking good care of yourself! Go Kathy! :)

nicole said...

You deserve a break. Good for you for having the courage to walk out of a bad situation.

Shannon said...

Oh exciting and scary. It is for the best and it is very cool that you can recognize the signs of a soul sucking job before it owns you. Good for you!

kim4life said...

I am proud of you! You have made such a change for yourself. Yeah its scary, but happiness is very important!

Shan in Mich said...

What a tough decision you made. But if you recognize it was not good for you then it was definetly the right decision. Our mental health is so important! How cool that you have a job so quickly, at least it's something so you won't stress so much. You'll probably find it rewarding without the drama. Let us know how it goes!

Amanda said...

It's important that you look out for your best intrests and welfare. You made the right decision. I'm sending you all the best wishes!